So why do people get divorced? Why is the person you married not the person you divorced? (Or maybe they are but you are now more ‘enlightened’ about who they are, and who you are.) How is their path affecting yours? Samskaras are the subtle, but real, mental grooves that form our behaviors. They are repetitive and result in habits that drive our thoughts and actions. Some are supportive in our life, while some can impede and cloud our ‘vision’ of the world, ourselves and others. Samskaras are like the grooves that the river creates from the river running in the same place for so long. We have a way of reacting and interacting with another. We can no longer see how we got there, but only that we are flowing down the river at an uncomfortable pace. Thus, it is difficult to reign in the river (samskara) once it has started flowing deeply. We may not be aware of samskaras but they are there and serve as roots of our character, or reasons we do (or don’t do) things. Where does one person’s samskaras end and our samskaras begin? I don’t think there is a real answer in this chapter, but just another inquiry.
For my own growth, I have learned that when dukkah appears there is something sweet to be seen if I just wait long enough. (See Chapter 2 on sukkah and dukkah.) The sense of sadness, yet relief, when I finally decided to dissolve the marriage was so predominant for me. I felt my roots begin to grow again, as if I was quite literately, an enormous tree rooting into my own earth again. And although, I equally felt my heart shatter like a glass house, I could still sense deep within myself, was my own heart Self that was nourished by all the effort I had done in the name of growth for myself over the years. Where yoga and meditation gifted me the awareness to see my true Self shining in other areas of my life, and where I felt truly connected to my heart within, yet couldn’t seem to live it in my marriage. (And, yes, I partially have my ex-spouse to thank for it, because his job allowed my job to be in the field of yoga and wellness, that provided this richness and tapestry for me to build over the years.)
Yellow – my friend reminded me of being Yellow. Yes, act as if you are Yellow. When you are in a relationship with someone, we’ll call this person “Blue”, you may start to take on their color. It is not a problem to mix colors – you get Green which is actually quite nice sometimes. But if you are always Green, or always Blue (doing the same things or reacting to the same issues), then you don’t get to be yourself (Yellow). You cannot even remember, really, what Yellow looks like or feels like. You may get a sense of it when you are on our own or doing something you really enjoy – and you feel your own true self shining like the sun on our face on a cold winter day. But if you are not yourself, or most of the time in a relationship, then how and when do you grow? I think I stopped growing a long time ago because I was lost in swinging from one thing to the next (from trying to understand Blue or being Green all the time and barely remembering Yellow). I was always on someone else’s swing, someone else’s timetable. It was…exhausting. Genuinely exhausting. Cocooning yourself away from others and placing up walls to maintain your color is not supportive of growth. But standing in your own roots and feeling these roots supporting you is necessary.
The other part of samskaras is understanding others in similar predicaments. I found there were three ways people (outside of my close circle of friends) responded to my divorce: Some wanted to support me and equally know how/why it happened so they might avoid it. Others were what I call the ‘total avoidance’ people (even prior friends) where they barely checked in with me because it was too much for them to be around someone that was divorced (seriously, this happened – if one of these people asked ‘how is it going for everyone’? and I said ‘its rough running the household on my own right now’, the response was radio silence or change of subject by them.) Then there were others, that responded with envy in their eyes and questions. This surprised me. I hadn’t realized how unhappy people are in their marriages. Now, I don’t know if that is from lack of trying, or if they are unhappy but not to the point of wanting to dissolve their marriage, but there are a lot more people than I thought. I hope they make it through together as true partners. But if they don’t, then I hope they find the courage to move on and the means to move forward.
One of my biggest life lessons, and one I firmly believe, is that we can learn a great deal from others’ samskaras without having to go through it ourselves. You might think of this as empathy and compassion. For example, one friend mentioned she swore she would always be self sufficient as she saw her mothers inability to leave her father due to financial reliance. I am not saying it is easy. I mean, I am an educated person, Caucasian, grew up middle class, was not the first to go to college, and worked since I was 15 years old. Although I worked part time throughout my marriage, I am struggling to figure out what will earn me enough now to retire and move through the next 20 years of these additional working years. So, I will tell my daughter, especially, to always be able to earn for herself the way we expect men to earn for their families. We must be able to be independent in this western world if we are to survive marriages disadvantage to the ‘lesser’ income earner. That is just a fact. Don’t try to dispute it. Many women (or partners) I know would leave their marriages if they thought they could live well enough on their own. And I am sure there are men that know they can’t leave their marriages until their kids are grown. But I pray that there are strong marriages out there that will weather the storms and have each other to hold hands through and through. (I am not a pessimist about marriage, ya all! Just telling mine and others’ stories.)
So be nice to those divorcees, listen and learn, share and empathize. If at some point you find yourself a bit lost, or not sure what path you are going on, check in with what color you are needing. Is it Green today (you and your partner) or is it Yellow? Make sure you get some solid Yellow sunshine everyday.

Sneak peak into future chapters:
Bliss! What Brings Joy
The Art of Letting Go
Yin Transitions